Things you should do at workplace!!!

When i joined my organization I was determined to work like every other fresher is...

I was lookin forward to workin in a live project n perform to my best level. But ironically IT companies prefer to keep a person on bench when he is most willing to work. And, its only after couple of months when the person learns exactly how to shy away from work or how to play games at office they put him to some serious work. Its because of that experience I am sittin in office n writing bout wat you shd do at office...
This might not be an exhaustive list as then it wd look like a jargon but still it has few kinks that might help you start..Specially for few frenz of mine who still work religiously after almost an yr of toiling their sweat for their respective PMs..

1. Holidays. If you really need a big day off never risk it in advance. Office is not a multiplex where it will get house full if u are late in booking the tickets. Instead its like making night with a babe, if you plan it in advice you ll ruin the fun n also either she will definitely fall sick on D Day or her parents would be visiting her. Therefore, always call in sick the very last minute( From the pub). Don't worry somebody will be covering for you even if it means that they have to leave their girlfriends to come to office for your work. It's not charity you know and anyway it's not your fault that he get to see his girlfriend once in six months.

2. Horde. If you have any idea that might help someone at workplace to work more efficiently then make sure you never discuss it with anyone. Because this would mean trouble for you coz if you two are in diff teams then your manager will coax you to compete him or worse if you are in same team then you will have more work on your table for which you ll have to give away ur sleepin, chattin, coffee or some other constructive time at office. The motto shd be "To have and to hold".

3. Undermine. If someone talks bout a brilliant idea in a meeting never forget to ridicule it. Point out every way it can and it will fail. Tell everybody how a friend of urs applied this idea at his office and all of them lost their jobs, homes and few of 'em were even jailed. It will seem tough in first few encounters but slowly you have to master the art. The idea here is not only to get the idea thrown out but the motto should be to send the person out along with the idea.

4. Deny. Never accept a mistake you did. If you screwed up blame it on somebody and everybody. Blame it on the timid office mouse who never moves off his cubicle, blame it on anyone who was in vicinity of ur desk in last 6 months. And if nothin works you can always blame everythin on Pakistanis, at the end of the day they are the reason of all our problems..right??

4. Cell Phones. Never ever keep ur cellphones on silent mode and doin so in a meeting is strict no no. Cellphones are like status symbol in office and the frequency of calls represents how much busy that person is. If ur fren calls you in between a meeting raise your cellphone to signal everybody to be silent and then discuss with ur fren then why can't you come before 10 on fri night for his surprise birthday party and how much work you have(dun forget to txt him after the meeting that you ll be there by 6). If anybody else's phone should ring nod ur head in disapproval and whisper "disgraceful" so that its audible to everyone in the room. Never reject a call from some credit card company or some other marketing company these are like loosners which u can slog for six. As soon as they tell you bout product say that you are very busy and ask them to call you on weekend. Try to be a bit loud so that your manager can hear this.

5. Shadow. Always leave 30 secs after your manager leave and come 30 seconds early. This will make ur manager think that you are committed to the company. If by chance someone comes late or leaves early don't forget to shake ur head in disapproval whilst making some noise that your manager makes a note about that person.

6. Drinks. Coffee is used as aspirin in office and its intake shows how much workload a person has. So if you dun take coffee then you better strt gettin cups from pantry after every couple of hours and dumpin 'em in bin after few minutes i.e. if you can't drink it. But at the end of the day there must be at least 4-5 empty cups of coffee in the bin next to your seat. This will confirm your manager's belief that this guy is really workin his head out.

So now since you have been thru the preliminary course on "how to survive at workplace" I hope you all will be able to apply all these fundas at ur workplace too. Any suggestions to make life good for me at my workplace are welcomed...