A result for Life

08 Jan 4 PM
Someone on PG said that CAT results are out..I began a fanatic attempt to check mine for next 2 hrs...As the time kept on movin ppl started pourin in their scores some fantastic n some dismal..Some gave a sense of envy and some made me skeptical of the future..I even tried sendin couple of texts but all I got was a reply that results will be out on 9th Jan..Finally I gave up my quest with time n decided to check the results on 9th only.

Had a sleepless night a bit of which could be attributed to anxiety and rest to some relatives who had come for a night stay..I woke up at my usual time @7 AM and sent a text in a hope to see my result..I don't know if I should say that luckily I was able to see my result or too bad that I saw my result but in either case I got my result. A chill ran down my spine when I saw it. A meager 98%ile that would not get me even top 10 colleges leave alone IIMs. The world came crashin' down on me. It seemed to me that I have lost everythin and have nowhere to go. A sense of dejection encapsulated me, a burden of failure suppressed me. The first question that came to my mind was "Why me?"

Flashback--3 months
CAT was round the corner with just days to go. Though I gave in my best effort in studies but the only thing that lacked was confidence. With so much hype surrounding those two and a half hours I was sure that it is not my cup of tea and a seat in of the top 20 colleges would have satiated my desire of higher learning. Then came the D day, luckily I did pretty well even more than what I expected with such a low confidence. I know I could have got 3-4 questions right which eventually made the difference but I would attribute it to lack of confidence than the lack of practice.

I came back home and checked my answers on various coaching institutes sites which further sky rocketed my expectations. I was sure of bagging couple of IIM calls so rest of the exams were just about killin 3 hours and gettin some practice for the sake of money I had spent on application. As the days passed my belief of securing an IIM call grew with people around me confirming the same on the basis of my score. So much so that I completely rejected the possibility of happening otherwise unware of what the future has in store for me.

09 Jan: Today
Now I sit back and look at what I have earned and what I have lost in this result. Ofcourse I have earned the confidence of achieveing what I am capable of but at the same time I have also earned the fear of losing what I have right now(read: not even gettin 98 next time). The tussle between these two thoughts is tearin me apart. In the end its gonna be my decision and I don't expect much this time, just a hope that few years down the lane I don't have to sit and wish that I should have gone the other way...

I need hope, i need luck, i need wishes, i need 'em all but most of all I need courage....